Scales and Arpeggios
Posted on Thu Jun 15th, 2023 @ 3:09pm by Lieutenant Vura
Edited on on Sat Jun 24th, 2023 @ 11:26pm
3,781 words; about a 19 minute read
Mission:
Episode 14 - The Poseidon Adventure
Location: Counseling Office - Deck 5 - USS Pioneer
Timeline: MD013 0930 hrs
Following her ill-fated meeting that morning, Paisley had spent her lunch hour rehashing everything. She was tightly wound, and didn't let things go easily. Where had it gone THIS wrong?! She couldn't pinpoint it-or didn't WANT to. At any rate, she was hurt enough that she was seething and wallowing, and had decided that she no longer cared if she ever heard of-or SAW-Connor Turner for the rest of her existence. She had run the gamut from tears of pain-she DID feel things, contrary to the outwardly appearances she put on-and she also was unused to dealing with Intense Emotions-choosing purposely to live in the here and now-hedonistically, in a way-to where she was NOW-pure, unadulterated, blinding anger. She needed to talk to someone-that would be Vura-then go to the gym and sweat it all out.
She arrived at the Counselor's office, the remnants of her tears-on and off since she'd left the office that morning-still on her face. She'd holed up in the auxiliary supply room, restocking and reorganizing for launch day. She was greasy and a bit dirty-wherever the supplies had been stored before transfer had been a dank, dark place, because they also STANK. She knocked, but, as usual, didn't wait for Vura-instead, she opened the door and let herself in, plopping in a chair.
"He called me a whore, you know? Where does he get off?"
No hellos today, apparently.
Vura wanted to laugh at Paisley, with her flair for melodrama, but she could tell that her friend was hurting, and so she did not. She sat in the chair next to Paisley and pulled it closer to her. "Who called you a whore?" Vura asked concerned.
"Ensign Turner did. Just this morning," she said. "Also, sorry. Hello. How are you today? Hopefully better than ME." She sighed. "Where did it go wrong?! I was just trying to...I don't know what I was doing."
"Well, that's a problem," Vura responded pointedly. "If you don't know what you're doing, then how do you know why you did something? It would be like putting uncontained anti-matter in a room. Big explosion, nothing left to do but pick up whatever pieces are left."
She then tilted her head and scrunched up her face, "Ensign Turner called you a whore?" She tsked and leaned back. "That boy has very little spine. What would have caused him to say something so out of character for himself?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I was talking-NOT to him, to Elen-about hurrying along the staff meeting because I wanted to go see Kiruna and Lalia tonight, to say my goodbyes and all that...Naxen is off base today for...something. She didn't tell me, only that she'd be gone." Paisley sniffled a little. "I was trying to explain to Elen that I had been with all THREE ladies, and then that's when Ensign Turner said that. What he said actually was "So you are a bint, then? That explains a lot." She made a face. "When I've heard that term before, it was never a good thing. Some girls at the Academy would say that about the girls who got around...probably I've been called it but this was the first time to my face. He's lucky that all I did was dump my coffee on him. Who does that? Who uses words like that? I thought this was the modern day, we were supposed to be past things like that. And why does HE care who I sleep with? He claims to not care about me at all, but he can't hear that?! Please." She rolled her eyes. "No one's ever said anything that...NASTY...to me before. I've never been nasty to him. Maybe a bit too much teasing, but I'd never call him a...I don't know...a WALKING virgin or something. Because I don't judge people for who they have-or HAVEN'T slept with!"
"So, he just told you that out of the blue?" Vura asked skeptically. "Are you certain that you did not say anything to him or about him prior to your comments about the girls? Think hard, Paisley."
She shrugged. "I joked with Elen that I wasn't flirting with him-I was with Jol, though-and that he was already taken, so he claims," she rolled her eyes agin. She'd only believe it when she saw hide or hair of this "Holly" person. "And then joked that YOU had staked a claim, even. It was just a joke, and you could tell by my intonation. I didn't say a single cross word to him! I barely said ANYTHING to him at all, actually!" She was trying to remember. "Like I said, I can't think about what went South so fast. Then I even put him with Reena for new assignments so he wouldn't have to work with me, but NO, he had to whine about that, too. Why didn't Malbrooke just assign him to Ops to begin with? It certainly would've saved us all a headache. But that word, Vura!!"
"Forget the word, Paisley," Vura counseled her friend. "I don't think that your teasing is something that Mr. Turner can handle. For whatever reason, it sounds like he had enough, snapped, and lashed out. It does not justify his behavior, but it certainly explains it, assuming my theory is correct."
She exhaled audibly, "You're the assistant chief of engineering, Paisley. You're going to work with all sorts of people and you're going to have to find a way to make it work with Mr. Turner, whatever your feelings for him may be." She gave Paisley a small smirk.
"I have no feelings for that man," she said. "And I KNOW that, Lieutenant," she only used Vura's rank when she was annoyed with something the Counselor said, "but that goes for HIM, as well. At least Elen is kind of understanding, and I am not in TOO much trouble! And Turner is transferring to Ops for a bit. Couldn't even hack it in Engineering. I should've figured. Wimpy little boy like that. All he cares about is his stupid machines. I bet I could wander around the office naked and he wouldn't notice! Elen and I could make out on the desk, and...nope. Nothing. Even that time I went to apologize to him for whatever slights he thinks I committed, he was so engrossed in his computer that he FELL off the chair!" She shook her head. "What if I had been an intruder?" She shook her head. "And that is a lame excuse, Vura. If he's so fragile around women, maybe he should join some kind of all-male Monk religion or something! There are women in the Fleet and he'd better learn to get it together!" She was really ranting now, barely inhaling as she let it out. "ANNDDD...I saw him in the Lounge the other day. WITH the other Counselor and they were WHISPERING to each other! Wait until his girlfriend hears about THAT!" Honestly, that was what was *really* bothering her-the fact that she'd felt like it justified her feeling lied to-and that others were complicit.
Vura listened intently to Paisley's rant. After listening to it, she was quite convinced that Paisley was not seeing anything really clearly in this situation. There was a zen-like quality to Vura's voice as she spoke, "If you truly had no feelings for Mr. Turner, Paisley, you would not be so fixated on him. None of his quirks that you complain about would phase you. However, they do. Why do you think that might be?"
She stared at her friend and Counselor for a moment. Was she living in the current reality? Had she died and met the Prophets? What was HAPPENING? Instead of immediately answering, she started to cry again. Great. Maybe it was PMS. She had no idea.
"Lieutenant Vura. I already TOLD you. I don't care about him. Not anymore. The exact moment that he said that HORRIBLE thing? That was it." She snapped her fingers in the air. "Gone. I think I WAS, honestly. But not anymore. BUT...while we're on the topic...WHY is it OK for him to act like a total ass BUT *I* am the one catching heat for it? Am I on Ketracel White or something? It is a bit...sexist, honestly. *I* am supposed to be the mature one? What, because I have learned to control myself around attractive women? Because I was raised that girls are to be quiet? No. That's not OK. Why is everyone bending over backwards for this little...boy? Make it make sense. I KNOW I am an assistant department head. But I didn't WANT to be. No one ASKED me! I just showed up to work one day and...SURPRISE. I am not EQUIPPED. I just want to blow things up and put them back together!!" Her voice had raised a few octaves by now.
Vura nodded along with Paisley as she got more and more upset. "I don't think you're being very honest with yourself, Paisely," Vura observed in a calm, measured tone. "And other than calling you a 'bint,' which again, is not acceptable, how has he been a 'total ass,' as you call it?" She put her hands in the air to show the quotations around "total ass" as she said the words. "Just remember, whether you wanted the position or not, you accepted it and now you have to live up to it, Paisley. You do have to be better than him because your job requires it."
"I didn't accept it. I was TOLD I was the Assistant. There's no paperwork! There's nothing. Not even a raise in rank! I think HE has more time in the Fleet than me, even." She stopped a moment and let out a breath. "Fine. I'll resign my commission. Go back to Cardassia. At least there, men have spines!" She realized she was being a bit dramatic, but really. "This is a terrible answer, Vura, and we both know it. I am serious about resigning my commission, though. I can just be a civilian. I don't WANT this. The paperwork is boring as hell. I JUST WANT TO BLOW THINGS UP. Why is that so hard? Why do we need assistant department heads anyway?" Why didn't anyone understand? "The Captain was an Engineer, I think! HE can do it!" She stood up, a glint of something in her eye. "Maybe that's it. Maybe I need a change. The RR Exchange has openings..." She started to pace a little-she was generally a kinetic person, but not like this. Something was truly wrong. "Can you help me send a subspace relay? I bet my father would help me get a posting somewhere. It'll be worth it." She stopped and looked at Vura in the eyes. "Turner can win." With that, she finally sat back down.
After a moment of silence, she shook her head. "No. You're right." She let out a sigh. "I have made my whole adult life about not doing what other people expect of me, because I had so much of that as a child. But you know what? If they want me to be a boss, then I'll be who they want me to be. I will be that person. Time to pull out the Cardassian," she said, quietly. "A full 360*. No more playing around at being an adult. Just seriousness from now on." As if a switch had flipped, she sat up a bit straighter, but her eyes had dulled in color a bit, and her smiles were gone. "What would it have mattered, anyway?" She didn't elaborate, because really, what was there left to say?
Vura shook her head slightly at Paisley. "Are you listening to yourself, Paisley?" she asked concerned. "You're going from one extreme to another."
Pressing her lips together, Vura looked for a better way to get through to her friend. "Look, Paisley, this is my first time as a Chief Counselor. It is not my first time as an Assistant Chief. There is a balance that you need to strike. Everyone has their own style. Some Chiefs are hard asses. Some allow others to do everything. Ultimately, you have to find your own style and people have to understand that. Take for existence, Mr. Turner. You're rather high energy. Mr. Turner, well, he's more of a shy person, perhaps severely introverted. You're likely very intimidating to him. And based on what you're saying, he does not seem to understand or approve of your teasing him. So, with Mr. Turner, you might want to be more straightforward until he gets to understand you better. With others that know and understand you, act as you would normally act. But, becoming something you're not...as you say, fully Cardassian (which we can explore some other time), is not going to solve your problem and likely make things only more difficult for you and others."
Vura paused and looked at her friend concerned. "Does any of that make sense to you?"
Paisley let out a breath. "No, but I have no other ideas. I don't know what anyone wants from me!! First, they tell me to be friendly and outgoing. So I am. Now they're telling me I am over the top and TOO friendly." She shrugged. "Extremes are all I know, Vura. When you're raised by Legate F'rar, you're either timid or aggressive. You are nothing else. Here, I am-WAS-allowed to be myself. More even keeled. So I act like I do everyday and suddenly, everyone has a problem with it. So no. It makes no sense AT ALL. If someone can't handle a bit of fun torment, they really need a new job, and possibly a referral to Medical so they can install a spine." She sighed. "It doesn't matter now, anyway. Diari bumped him to Ops for a month, so I can figure my shit out and he...I don't know. It feels almost like he's being rewarded. Why can't *I* go to Ops? At least Thex is cute!" She finished.
"So, what you're saying is that you don't know how to be you," Vura replied with a sad smile. "You have to learn to define yourself by yourself and not anyone else, Paisley. Once you learn that, you will know how to behave in any situation."
The Counselor then switched topics, "As to being rewarded, why do you think Mr. Turner is being rewarded. He did a fantastic job on my console. His gift lies with computers, right? Would that not be someone helping him find his way? Maybe he is better off there. I sincerely doubt that he cares whether Thex is cute or not."
Paisley shrugged. "Because I am the one catching heat for defending my honor, while he is the one who said that! So, he acts like a child and gets his way? It's stupid. I suspect that El just got tired of it, though. I don't blame her. I am a little sick of myself." She said. "It's not like I am unaware that this isn't my usual behavior. I just...I don't know how to change it." She said. "I TOLD you that this department would eat him alive. I wasn't kidding." It was true. They were tough nuts to crack; all four of them very assertive, stubborn women. Damn good at their jobs but not good at much else that required right-brained thinking. "So, what do I do? Besides apologize again," she rolled her eyes.
"Paisley...." Vura leaned back and tried to find words that might help Paisley change her perspective. "I think you need to concentrate on you and not Mr. Turner, unless you want to try seeing things from his perspective."
She blinked for a moment. Sometimes she wondered if Vura said these things on purpose to be hurtful. Of course, Paisley knew that wasn't the case. She wanted to do what she USUALLY did when Vura poked something she didn't want to explore-leave. BUT she had a few minutes left and didn't want to go back to work.
"I just asked for help doing that, Lieutenant. Do you need your hearing checked?" She said, a little exasperatedly, and maybe a little meanly. Then she sighed. "I am sorry, that was mean. I don't wish to know anything else about...him. I've learned enough for a lifetime, thank you. Thank Goodness that both of my parental races only live about a hundred years!" Thank the Prophets, indeed. An idea was niggling at the back of her head, but she couldn't quite get to come out-or didn't WANT to. At any rate, she'd tell Vura later. "And if you mention him again anymore today, I will leave." End of that chapter of her life.
The Counselor merely smirked at Paisley. She rarely mentioned Connor, but Paisley had him wormed well into her brain. The fact that Paisley had not left when confronted with a difficult topic, though, was improvement. Everything in increments. "My hearing is just fine, Paisley. So, have you visited your friends to say goodbye yet?"
It didn't escape Paisley that Vura had changed the subject. She wouldn't ask, though. "Tonight. Soon, actually. After this. They both had duty today," she said. "Naxen will not be there; I said my goodbyes to her already. Offer to introduce you still stands....she's not a Fleety, either, so it's a get-out-of-jail-free card. She's Bajoran!" She had no idea if the same thing that happened to humans (and apparently Cardassian/Bajoran hybrids) would happen to full Bajorans, but still. "Let me knowwwww," she said, her sing-songy voice back, a sign that she was maybe getting past her drama. "I have been preparing. It's not a forever thing. We can still talk and stuff, I know that. I am trying to remember that." She sighed. There was one more thing, but she didn't know how to bring it up. Or if she should. Or when. "Do you want to do something with me tomorrow after duty? A last farewell? Unless you have other plans, you popular lady," she said with a smirk.
"Popular?" Vura asked with a laugh. "I'm not sure where you get that from. I have been spending most of my time in here, meeting people and very little having fun. If I can get everyone's psychs done before we leave, it will be a miracle. So, yes, Paisley, I would be happy to spend some more time with you. I can't say that I will have time to meet your friend before we leave, though."
Paisely nodded. "I understand, and I know it's difficult for you. But think about it. Figure out your schedule and let me know. I'll be free after 4 pm," she said. "I will think about things we've discussed today. I can't say that it will change much, but maybe there will at least be peace for a while." She shrugged. She was lingering. wanting to say more but also hoping that Vura would ask. If not, she'd tell her tomorrow, outside of the clinical setting of the Counselor's office. "Also, can we set up some kind of ongoing thing? I think..." she sighed deeply. "I think I need more help than I originally thought." That was hard for her to admit, but she knew it was true.
"Change doesn't come overnight. If it did, it wouldn't last, unless it was something traumatic. Change comes gradually, as people decide to consciously make efforts to do something new rather than fall back on old habits. When you're ready for something new and ready to make changes, you will. But you will also have lapses, Paisley." Comfortingly Vura told her, "Don't be so hard on yourself, and of course we can have a weekly appointment. Whatever you need, Paisley, I'm happy to help as long as you would like."
Paisley nodded. "I know it doesn't happen quickly. I have been in counseling before; when I was first...found by Captain Taylor, he had me see the ship's counselor for a bit to help me deal with that. So, I am prepared," she said. "I want to be a good leader." She said. "Anyway. I'll schedule with the nurse out front; I am doing duty schedules tomorrow so I'll know my availability soon," she said. It was nearly time for the session to end.
"Paisley, you're going to be a great leader one day. I have every confidence in that. You just have some things that you need to figure out, and you will." She smiled warmly at her friend.
Paisley smiled and nodded. "I have no doubt," she said. "I have made it this far. I'll be Ok." She always was. "Let me know where you want to meet and I'll be there, but now. I will leave you alone and go to the Gym. I need to punch something that isn't alive and won't get hurt," she said. "Or run away from my problems on the treadmill or a holo-trail or something," she laughed. "I tried rock climbing with two of the Marines the other day; that was fun but man, my arms HURT," she said. "I thought I was strong, but not like that!! I'd rather crawl through dark tunnels using my own body weight than do that again!!" She'd almost had to present to Medical because the pain had been that bad. She'd been able to stretch it out and just take some simple anti-inflammatory medicine which worked fine. "If you don't already like exercise, I don't recommend doing that!" She shook her head. "Ok. I've taken up enough of your time. I'll see you soon!" She stood up, and just like she'd entered, she disappeared without a word of good byes. Until she backed up from down the hall and stuck her head in the doorway. "See you, Vura. Have a good evening." Her melodic laughter could be heard as she took off down the hallway towards the habitation decks to change into her gym clothes.
Well, at least she's in a better mood, Vura thought to herself. And at least she is using her frustration constructively, now but at some point we are going to have to sort out Paisley and Mr. Turner. Maybe I should consult with Zhara about this.
A Joint Post By
Ensign Paisley F'rar
Damage Control Specialist, USS Pioneer
Lieutenant Vura
Chief Counselor, USS Pioneer
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